Pay Your Respects, Imperial Subjects!

120 years ago today in front of Old St. Mary's Church on Grant and California, "[o]n the reeking pavement, in the darkness of a moon-less night under the dripping rain..., Norton I, by the grace of God, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, departed this life.".

Like Frank Chu multiplied by one thousand awesomes

Norton was on his way to lecture at the California Academy of Science the night he died. Have you ever been invited to lecture at the California Academy of Science? No. You haven't. And you probably aren't homeless and delusional. Norton was. How does that make you feel?

Hemlock = Bad. Fernet = Good.

During his life, he also dissolved the United States, abolished Congress, criminalized political parties, saved a group of immigrants from anti-Chinese rioters, ordered the construction of the Bay Bridge, advocated for abolition, established laws against people calling his fair city by detestable names, and got the SF board of supervisors to buy him new clothes even though he had repeatedly ordered their arrest. Norton had plays written for him and about him. Mark effing Twain wrote an epitaph for Norton's dog. Dude straight up invented his own currency... 

...and San Francisco shopkeepers actually accepted it. Kinda makes your life seem pretty pathetic, don't it? You should be nodding, because it really really does.

Oh, and he also rode fixies before they were cool. Suck on THAT, hipsters.

Probably on his way to Zeitgeist

 

In short, Emperor Norton won at life. And I don't mean he "won at life" in that lame internet way that people say when someone posts a gif of cute fuzzy panda bears going down slides. I mean he really, actually Won at Life. Period. The end.

 

So to commemorate his death, I toast to him. The Emperor, the Protector, the Man. May he live in our hearts forever.

 

_______

Filed Under: San Francisco in general, Emperor Norton was better than you, lolhipsters, dubious historical comparisons, ginger backs go well with hemlock actually

December 7th, 2005: A Day that Coincidentally will Also Sort Of Live in Moderate Infamy

Why would that December day be so important as to warrant mention somewhere on the internet? Because that was the day this vital masterpiece of investigative journalism was published:

The legendary liquid in that emerald bottle is more than merely San Francisco's preferred method of self-medication; it's an intoxicating fairy tale. And even though Dammann's story is one that demonstrates the devotion of Fernet's fans, in a city that drinks more of the liqueur than any other locale in the United States and more per capita than any place on Earth, there are plenty of asses on barstools with a story to tell about Fernet-Branca. And in telling the tales, they continue the life of the drink itself, which was born of myth, and somehow along the way has become perfectly suited to San Francisco's palate.



This is how Fernet-Branca came to thin the lifeblood of our city.

And now, four years later, there's a half-assed blog dedicated to lazily chronicling said thinning of aforementioned lifeblood. As you can see, it's an important signpost in human history. So please gentle reader, take the time today to review the article in its entirety. Allow yourself to reflect on what Pearl Harbor Day Infamous SF Weekly Fernet Article Publishing Day means to you personally and the future of America. Also, there will be a pop quiz.


More on the Infamous SF Weekly Fernet Article as it develops...