Monday, May 3, 2010

Guest Post: Clatter Takes the Plunge

It's Fernetiquette's First Ever Guest Post! Yrs truly just dragged Bill, the excellent and prolific author of the exceptional music blog Such A Clatter, out for some Fernet. Photo evidence goes here:

Flowery guest prose goes here [FN1]:

First & just reiteratively, I will concur re: the Marina.  Which is like a weird wormhole-portal-thingie to some other place/time/culture (quote-unquote), incongruous amidst our fine City where some, at least, are said to have left their hearts.  I will admit to being overly-reductive (& yes a hater, sue me[FN2]) but Marina: ew to the bottle-blondes & the boob jobs, ew to the overgrown frat boys & gym rats, & cetera just, ew. [FN3] Anyway, Russian Hill has its fine points but would certainly be nicer all around w/out the blight of the Marina situated like, Right Next Door.  The cross-pollination was alas evident, when  Fernetiquette hosted yours truly for what was to be yes, my very First Time test-driving (what I understand to be) the hipsters’ go-to digestif.  &, as you’ve already heard by now, we had it on tap [FN4] which evidently is not the usual means of delivery.

Anyhoo and as previously related infra, drinks were brought to our table at the Bullitt bar.  Some beers, four shots of el Fernet-o, & two “ginger backs” for the newbies (those being me, check, & my dazzling companion).  I had been assured that chasing the Fernet with ginger ale would not categorically render me a Girl, but I do harbor some skepticism there. [FN5]

So, yeah I drank the stuff.  Uh huh, yes I surely did.  & apparently it is something that people actually do drink, both repeatedly & willingly.  So I am prepared to concede that I’m missing something there.  (Especially since I pretty much used up my RDA of intolerance just hating on the neighborhood, right?)

 I'll spare the suspense: he was not impressed.

What to say about the Fernet Branca?  Well, when I was twelve I smoked my first cigarette which was a Kool menthol.  That’s a memory I was surprised to revisit upon sipping my leather-colored shot there in the bar.  But yeah, menthol.  Menthol on fire.  Cool on the palate yet warm going down, hey it’s freaking alchemy in a shot glass!

  Molecular geometry for Menthol. [FN6]

I know there are supposed to be various subtle notes of this & that, but I couldn’t really discern any of the alleged saffron or cardamom, & wouldn’t recognize myrrh or aloe (I did my homework on Wikipedia, btw) if they walked up to me on Hyde Street & slapped my face w/a French manicure.  Pretty much whatever’s in there gets shoved aside by the cool/warm tactile sensation.  Oh & by the unambiguous & shouted voice [FN7] of camphor, so there may be some medicinal value there I’m just saying.

I was really trying my best to be all x-cultural & open-minded, but can we talk for just a moment re: the music in that place. [FN8] Jesus seriously, who w/a straight face plays that bland generic white people disco shite? [FN9] Query posed rhetorically, although now that I think about it I did crave a seriously stiff drink after a single verse, so there’s some viral marketing for you.             

So.  Not to go all Marcel Proust on you here, but the Fernet did have this uncanny ability to dredge up forgotten memories & that was a magical & mysterious thing to experience then & there in the bar.  I recalled that time when I had pneumonia & couldn’t do much other than lie still under the crushing weight of my watery lungs, blotting my fevered forehead.  I thought the Fernet mightn’t be bad if I’m ever similarly stricken again.  Topically applied, I mean, & assuming a favorable per-ounce price point comparison with Vicks VapoRub registered trademark. [FN10]  With which it shares its distinctive bouquet.  (Sorry man, but truth to power, right?)

Emphatically though, I will insist that every downside to the evening’s escapade was more than balanced by the quality of the assembled company, & Friendship indeed is a tonic superior to all others.  Vive la difference I say with some not-inconsequential gusto.  So, thank you for the invitation, & for the ensuing adventure.  In conclusion, the gods did smile when, as we were settling the check, the Clash were heard to intrude gloriously & incongruously upon the music selection.
At least we can agree on these lads. [FN11] 

FN1- All footnotes are MINE though. It is my blog, after all MWAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaahahaha.
FN2- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that being "overly-reductive" and "a hater" were necessary prerequisites of being a music blogger.
FN3- Co-sign, save for the bit about boob jobs.
FN4- (sic) as to the failure to capitalize On Tap.
FN5- Acceptable. See ORFE Sec. 1.0(3).
FN6- Be honest. You guys weren't expecting FUCKING SCIENCE, were you?
FN7- It's subtle... subtle like a T-Rex. 
FN8- See FN2.
FN9- Pretty much Marina folk and Chowdahheads. But I repeat myself.
FN10- It doesn't. I've tried. [FN12]
FN11- Oh, and the cheesy bit about the friendship and company and blah blah blah whatevs. That stuff is pretty cool too I guess.
FN12- What? I'm not proud.

For the record, my favorite part was the Tranny joke. 
Filed Under: Guest Posts, Russian Hill, Seriously though Thanks Bill that was great, The Only Drink That Matters, Faces of Fernet, Alchemy in a Shot Glass, Fellow Travelers, People upon whom I've forced the stuff.

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