Hey you guys, I went to a show!

And then I wrote about it at Such a Clatter! Check it out, yo.

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Filed Under: This has absolutely zero to do with Fernet Branca, Guest Posts, Fellow Travelers, And yes I had my dancin' shoes on and I was feelin' alright

Guest Post: Clatter Takes the Plunge

It's Fernetiquette's First Ever Guest Post! Yrs truly just dragged Bill, the excellent and prolific author of the exceptional music blog Such A Clatter, out for some Fernet. Photo evidence goes here:

Flowery guest prose goes here [FN1]:

First & just reiteratively, I will concur re: the Marina.  Which is like a weird wormhole-portal-thingie to some other place/time/culture (quote-unquote), incongruous amidst our fine City where some, at least, are said to have left their hearts.  I will admit to being overly-reductive (& yes a hater, sue me[FN2]) but Marina: ew to the bottle-blondes & the boob jobs, ew to the overgrown frat boys & gym rats, & cetera just, ew. [FN3] Anyway, Russian Hill has its fine points but would certainly be nicer all around w/out the blight of the Marina situated like, Right Next Door.  The cross-pollination was alas evident, when  Fernetiquette hosted yours truly for what was to be yes, my very First Time test-driving (what I understand to be) the hipsters’ go-to digestif.  &, as you’ve already heard by now, we had it on tap [FN4] which evidently is not the usual means of delivery.

Anyhoo and as previously related infra, drinks were brought to our table at the Bullitt bar.  Some beers, four shots of el Fernet-o, & two “ginger backs” for the newbies (those being me, check, & my dazzling companion).  I had been assured that chasing the Fernet with ginger ale would not categorically render me a Girl, but I do harbor some skepticism there. [FN5]

So, yeah I drank the stuff.  Uh huh, yes I surely did.  & apparently it is something that people actually do drink, both repeatedly & willingly.  So I am prepared to concede that I’m missing something there.  (Especially since I pretty much used up my RDA of intolerance just hating on the neighborhood, right?)

 I'll spare the suspense: he was not impressed.

What to say about the Fernet Branca?  Well, when I was twelve I smoked my first cigarette which was a Kool menthol.  That’s a memory I was surprised to revisit upon sipping my leather-colored shot there in the bar.  But yeah, menthol.  Menthol on fire.  Cool on the palate yet warm going down, hey it’s freaking alchemy in a shot glass!

  Molecular geometry for Menthol. [FN6]

I know there are supposed to be various subtle notes of this & that, but I couldn’t really discern any of the alleged saffron or cardamom, & wouldn’t recognize myrrh or aloe (I did my homework on Wikipedia, btw) if they walked up to me on Hyde Street & slapped my face w/a French manicure.  Pretty much whatever’s in there gets shoved aside by the cool/warm tactile sensation.  Oh & by the unambiguous & shouted voice [FN7] of camphor, so there may be some medicinal value there I’m just saying.

I was really trying my best to be all x-cultural & open-minded, but can we talk for just a moment re: the music in that place. [FN8] Jesus seriously, who w/a straight face plays that bland generic white people disco shite? [FN9] Query posed rhetorically, although now that I think about it I did crave a seriously stiff drink after a single verse, so there’s some viral marketing for you.             

So.  Not to go all Marcel Proust on you here, but the Fernet did have this uncanny ability to dredge up forgotten memories & that was a magical & mysterious thing to experience then & there in the bar.  I recalled that time when I had pneumonia & couldn’t do much other than lie still under the crushing weight of my watery lungs, blotting my fevered forehead.  I thought the Fernet mightn’t be bad if I’m ever similarly stricken again.  Topically applied, I mean, & assuming a favorable per-ounce price point comparison with Vicks VapoRub registered trademark. [FN10]  With which it shares its distinctive bouquet.  (Sorry man, but truth to power, right?)

Emphatically though, I will insist that every downside to the evening’s escapade was more than balanced by the quality of the assembled company, & Friendship indeed is a tonic superior to all others.  Vive la difference I say with some not-inconsequential gusto.  So, thank you for the invitation, & for the ensuing adventure.  In conclusion, the gods did smile when, as we were settling the check, the Clash were heard to intrude gloriously & incongruously upon the music selection.

A

At least we can agree on these lads. [FN11] 

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FN1- All footnotes are MINE though. It is my blog, after all MWAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaahahaha.
FN2- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that being "overly-reductive" and "a hater" were necessary prerequisites of being a music blogger.
FN3- Co-sign, save for the bit about boob jobs.
FN4- (sic) as to the failure to capitalize On Tap.
FN5- Acceptable. See ORFE Sec. 1.0(3).
FN6- Be honest. You guys weren't expecting FUCKING SCIENCE, were you?
FN7- It's subtle... subtle like a T-Rex. 
FN8- See FN2.
FN9- Pretty much Marina folk and Chowdahheads. But I repeat myself.
FN10- It doesn't. I've tried. [FN12]
FN11- Oh, and the cheesy bit about the friendship and company and blah blah blah whatevs. That stuff is pretty cool too I guess.
FN12- What? I'm not proud.

For the record, my favorite part was the Tranny joke. 
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Filed Under: Guest Posts, Russian Hill, Seriously though Thanks Bill that was great, The Only Drink That Matters, Faces of Fernet, Alchemy in a Shot Glass, Fellow Travelers, People upon whom I've forced the stuff.

Adventures in Internet Blogging, Pt. I.

Hello gentle readers. Allow me to take a small break from your regularly scheduled travelin' and boozin' and researchin' about boozin' to peel back the curtain a little bit on some of the subtleties of having a "web log".

Folks who have had a blog know that whether you're trying to scratch out a living or you're just starting out at some point the amount of traffic you get on a day-to-day basis becomes something of an obsession. I can't say exactly why it happens for those of us who aren't ever planning on making any money off blogging. It's probably narcissism (or at least that's the explanation with which I'm most comfortable.)

Regardless, this obsession is a universal thing. Bloggers pore over their traffic numbers like they're religious screeds. They analyze and determine the types of posts that are the most popular (here at Fernetiquette these babies are by far the most google friendly) and the posts that no one bothers reading at all (basically everything else.) This is a daily ritual, and for most of us it's a sad, silent struggle against sanity.

However, one of the great joys of compulsively checking your traffic numbers is seeing exactly how people stumble upon your site. The average reader may not know this, but when you load Fernetiquette I can see a whole lot about you. Not only do I get information on how many people view my page, but I am told those visitors' locations, their browser settings and how long they spend on my site before clicking off to look at lolcats. Most interestingly, I am also told the link that brought you here. I ALSO see it when people find me through a google search and I see what the google search was that drew the hit. As you can guess, google searches are often pretty funny.

For example, last Friday I posted this about the Eastern Standard in Boston, Mass. Because no Fernetiquette post would be complete without pithy, immature tag I slapped one on the bottom of it that said "Tom Brady is a Handsome Man." I did this for a few reasons. One because before Tom Brady was the quarterback for the Patriots, he played for Michigan.

Proof

As I explained in the True Faqs, I am a rabid Michigan Football fan. It is also true that Tom Brady is in fact quite handsome.

Proof pt. II. You know you want him.

Astute readers will note that my description of the Eastern Standard's "Heather in Queue" cocktail used the word "foxy". Less than an hour after throwing that baby up, I got a hit from someone in South Korea who had apparently googled "Tom Brady foxy". I found this amusing. You may find this sad or unremarkable, but this gets back to the Pathetic Life of Your Poor Blogger.

Along similar lines someone in Pinole, CA recently found me through this search, which ha ha google suggestion lulz.

Not quite as tasty. Or dangerous.

But my absolute favorite example of this phenomenon so far is the apparent confluence of this post about Varnish in Los Angeles and this one about the Football cocktail which produced a google result for Fernetiquette when someone searches for (I kid you not) "homemade cream for décolletage". Insert relevant picture here:

Insert inappropriate joke here.

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UPDATES! So speaking of The Eastern Standard, behold the Power of the Twitternets!

Re-tweet away, minions!

To say that the post on Friday was the Most Popular Fernetiquette Post ever is a bit of an understatement. Someone in Boston found it Monday morning, tweeted about it and BOOM this blog hit triple-digit page loads for the first time in its young life. And there was much rejoicing.

There was also some helpful clarification. In the comments to that post, Frederic answers our question about Ms. Heather:

This cocktail is named for a regular Friday-night customer who was standing “in queue” when Jackson created this drink for her as a replacement for the Hoskins, “as I was running out of the then famous 164-bottle stash of Amer Picon that I picked from a dusty corner of the Martignetti warehouse.”

More at the Drink Boston link, which Frederic also helpfully provides. FWIW, My friend Aly who lives in Boston but is unfortunately not a Fernetophile had this to say about The Eastern Standard:

The Eastern Standard is the only good place to get a drink in the Fenway area. It's near the park, but manages to stay douche bag free.

So there you have it. More Fernet, Fewer Douchebags. How can you go wrong?
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Filed Under: meta, The Pathetic Life of Your Poor Blogger, Tom Brady is a handsome man, Boston, these are a few of my favorite things, All Your Updates, Fellow Travelers, MSPaint Skillz

This Seems Relevant to My Interests

Via Uptown Almanac, it's Mike Giant doing something... amazing.

OK. First off:

 Brah-VO!

Well done, sir.

Naturally, I have a few small qualms

1. What on Earth is Skylark doing there? You might as well go with Blondie's and be done with it.
2. I probably would have included Elbo Room.
3. I definitely would have included House of Shields, though I understand if we're discounting Downtown and Yuppie SOMA.

That's... pretty much it. Pretty much every other time I thought to myself "Oh, what about..." it was already on there. My roommate Timmy objected to the absence of Tonga Room, but I think these are mostly not expensive/touristy/frat boy places. Hence the absence of Bourbon and Branch, Hobson's Choice and every bar in the Marina.

Oh, and I've been to THIRTY-EIGHT of those bars. Tell the truth: you're a little impressed, aren't you? Of course you are.
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Filed Under: Over-sharing and functional alcoholism, San Francisco in general, thats fuckin art man art, Pop's is for winners, Fellow Travelers, I sense a pub crawl coming on

"Fernet Branca, the cause, cure, sustainer and catalyst to so many of my adventures..."

The smartly-written foodie blog NW Vivant took some time recently to compose an ode to this blog's titular beverage. The whole post is worth a read, but here's a snippet:

... Fernet is delicious in a way like coffee becomes delicious. The first time you have it you’re probably just going along with the cool kids. Perhaps, a “friend” plunks a shot before you, one round or a dozen later you love Fernet. You still don’t realize the full on radness of Fernet yet though. After all, it’s just helped you along to a pleasant cheery state. The next morning you might wake up feeling just a tad the worse for wear, you start reviewing the previous evening and swear to not drink that dark crap again. You stumble out of bed and that self-same “friend” greets you with, you guessed it, a shot or Fernet.

Your gag reflex starts to kick in as the previous evening flashes before your eyes. ‘Trust me,’ you’re told. Shuddering, you step up to the plate and miracle of miracles, about ten seconds later all is much better and you feel ready to start all over again. You think to yourself, well that’s pretty effin’ cool. It fixes the problem it causes.

Indeed not only does it fix the problem it causes, but it causes (and subsequently remedies) several problems that you didn't even know existed. Usually before you're aware of them at all.

Dark Magic is right, my friends.

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Filed Under: Fancy Fernet Free Verse, Fellow Travelers, Goddamn Google Alerts is awesome