Fernetiquette asks The Internet for help... again

Second verse, extremely similar to the first.

Anyone sprechen sie the German?

And while you're at it...

Deleted scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey

Any attempts at translation would be appreciated. Danke schön!
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Filed Under: a normal person might have taken a class or something by now, fernet adverts, these could be Dutch for all I know, monkeys they haunt me they attack me monkeys

Russian Hill is Officially Fernet Central

As a proud Mission District resident this is an obviously difficult admission. Unfortunately, given the events of the past 24 hours the truth can be denied no longer. Russian Hill takes their Fernet more seriously than any other neighborhood in San Francisco. They are Kings of Fernet.

 The Queen of Fernet. (No relation.)

Take a second to let that sink in, my fellow Missionites. Shake off your south-of-market hipster prejudices, re-align your worldview, take a deep breath... then continue. No matter how much it may hurt, we have to come to terms with this simple salient situation: Another neighborhood in San Francisco does Fernet better than we do. That neighborhood is Russian Hill.

Still not buying it? Allow me to explain.

Pivoting off our recent discussion of the quixotic obsession with internet traffic, this site got a sizable jolt yesterday when the extraordinarily popular foodie blog Tasting Table linked to yours truly in their write up of the new phenomenon of Fernet On Tap. Because I am self-centered and like seeing my name in print, the link looked like this:

  As you can see, I'm taking celebrity in stride.

More relevantly to my thesis, the article noted the availability of Fernet On Tap at Bullitt. Bullitt is a bar on Polk between Vallejo and Green in (yep) Russian Hill. Thrillist got the scoop on Bullitt's tap two months ago (and Fernetiquette lamely followed) so it is not quite BREAKING NEWS that one can get Fernet On Tap in San Francisco. HOWEVA, Tasting Table also mentioned that Tonic Bar, which is another Russian Hill bar a block and change from Bullitt, now also features Fernet On Tap. It is not an exaggeration to say that this development is one of the greatest things to ever happen to humankind.

I will freely admit that math is not my strong suit, but the equation here seems pretty definitive. We now have TWO bars in ONE neighborhood that have Fernet On Tap vs. ZERO bars that have Fernet On Tap anywhere else in America. That adds up to unrivaled, unchallenged, undisputed dominance. I'm sorry, Mission bars. You may be cheaper and closer to me, but until you install a Fernet spigot at Pops, Benders, Uptown or 500 Club, you'll continue to play second fiddle.

Until then: Russian Hill is Fernet Central. So it is written, and so it shall be.

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Filed Under: Fernet On Tap, Russian Hill, Fernetiquette Gets Famouser and Famouser All The Time, fernet adverts, Best McQueen Tribute Evar, Tonic Bar, I should leave my hood once in a while

Okay, Okay, I'll Try Fernet Con Coca.

It's hard to argue that I'm some kind of Fernet purist. While my preferred way to take it is in shot form, I have obviously enjoyed my fair share of some entirely scrumptious Fernet concoctions. So why is it that until now I've resisted trying the most popular (and easiest to make) Fernet cocktail in the world?

Frankly, I have no idea. I like Fernet. I like Coke. I drink enough of either ingredient that I would conservatively estimate my bloodstream is typically around 40% Fernet and Coke anyway. But the idea of ordering a Fernet and Coke gets my dander up.

Maybe I blanch at Fernet Con Coca because I'm defensive of the idea that you'd have to water it down to make it palatable. It's definitely also a bit of (ahhh my old familiar friend) San Franciscan Pretentiousness. Regardless, the idea of cutting my delicious Fernet with something as pedestrian as cola has spurred me to deploy not just one but two derogatory (and probably offensive) tags to refer to Fernet Con Coca on this blog.

Well, folks. It's time to suck it up and try it. For science!

Pictured: ingredients. Not pictured: irrational internal scorn.

As an aside, the bottle above cost me almost $30 with tax at the liquor store across the street. And yet I paid it. Don't ever say I don't do anything for you people.

Dramatic reflection shot!

For the sake of completeness, here's how to make a Fernet Con Coca.

• One shot of Fernet-Branca
• Coca-Cola
• Ice

*sigh*

At least they look pretty

Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Fernet and Coke tastes exactly how you'd expect it to taste. The cola waters the Fernet down so it's less punchy, but not so much that you can't still get the flavor. It's fine. A little blander than I'd like it to be, but fine. The best thing I can say about Fernet Con Coca is that mixing it like this prolongs the Fernet experience and the ice and cold coke make it more of a summer-y refreshing drink. Like a Tom Collins that'll put hair on your chest. I just can't see myself drinking this regularly is all.

FWIW, The Ladyfriend liked it more than I did. Here were her thoughts:

It's kind of an interesting balance in this drink, it seems. Sometimes it seems as though it doesn't take much Fernet for it to taste sort of like just a drawn-out shot of Fernet--like a shot of Fernet diluted a bit with Coke because, say, hypothetically, you only had a little bit of Fernet left and really wanted to make one last drink for the night but were too lazy/tipsy/naked to go out to the store to buy more Fernet--not that I would ever be able to relate to such a hypothetical desire in such a hypothetical situation, ever, because that's just sad! Right?

At any rate: a Fernet con Coca that tastes sort of like a drawn-out Fernet shot is not a bad thing. I enjoy it. It does, however, take on a somewhat different flavor when it's heavier on the Coca-Cola and lighter on the Fernet. The Fernet taste and Coke do complement each other rather well, I think; the specific way in which Coke is sweet and syrupy works with Fernet. (Note: I am not sure I could be paid/what sum of money I'd have to be paid to try a Fernet con Diet Coca. The sugar and the syrupiness of the regular Coke is crucial, I think, and I don't really like regular Coke most of the time. I'm super into Diet Coke, and yet I still would be hard-pressed to drink, voluntarily/for free, a Fernet con Diet Coca.)

So, final verdict: I like it. If one didn't like Fernet at all, I think a very very light-on-Fernet Fernet con Coca might even possibly work for that one. Should I ever find myself in Argentina, I shall order myself a Fernet con Coca with white-chick-style-atrociously-accented-broken-Spanish gusto.

So there you go. I should note that I have no such compunction against trying a Fernet and Diet Coke. I'm trying to watch my girlish figure, see.
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FINALLY, in pseudo-celebration of the holiday, here is the face-melting #1 hit in a google image search for "Fernet St. Patrick's Day":

Holy shit!

Fuck if I know what that has to do with St. Patrick's Day, and fuck if I could care. THIS. IS. AWESOME. Something tells me this isn't an official Branca advert, though I confess I don't know whether I would like it more or less if it was. Regardless, one thousand cocktails to whoever produced this work of art, and I will now seek out a print to hang on the ceiling above my bed.

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Filed Under: OMG OMG OMG, Fernet and Cola, The Argentine Menace, Drink it like a man you pansies, Fernet cocktails, le sigh, Fernet Foto File, fernet adverts, thats fuckin art man art

The Eagerly Anticipated(?) Argentinian Fernet Picture Post

First off: many, many apologies for the tardiness of this post. I have been negligent in my sworn duty to provide to you sexy sexy Foreign Fernet Fotos from our Senior Traveling Correspondent and for this I subject myself to no fewer than 20 lashes and a shot of Jägermeister. (*shudder*)

 So without further ado, let's get on with the shew.

First, let's meet our photographer. You first met her here. Then we learned a bit more about her here. She looks like so:

 

Isn't she lovely? The picture of grace and beauty. And isn't it nice that she's willing to take pictures with hideously ugly homeless passers-by? She's a saint, I tell you. A saint. Purely for the purposes of this post, let's call her "Christy." This is almost certainly not her real name.

Moving on!

  

Christy reported being quite surprised at the availability of a great variety of different Fernets. San Franciscans tend to think of "fernet" and "Fernet-Branca" as interchangeable. It turns out that they are not. Fernet is a type of liquor (an amaro actually, which is a subset of bitters), whereas Branca is a distillery. The Branca brand is obviously the most popular type of Fernet, but they do not own the whole Fernet universe. Nevertheless it would be quite fascinating to sample some alternative brands side-by-side. I've heard tell of a few local bars that have some, and hope to try them out soon.

But seriously, folks. Let's talk turkey. How much are we paying for our Fernet in Argentina?

HOLY CRIKEY TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS ARE YOU EFFIN... oh what's that you say? Argentina uses the "peso" rather than the dollar? OK. Little different. According to the all-powerful Google, a peso is currently worth just over 25 cents. Meaning that a Fernet and Coke will run you about $6 in Buenos Aires. You could do worse stateside.

(As an aside, how desperately do I want to know what a Fernet Todo Mundo is? EXTREMELY desperately. True fact.)

Speaking of money, I would pay piles o pesos to get my mitts on one of these babies:

 

In my imagination, these are the only places to sit in Argentina. While in Argentina, one may only take a load off in a brand new Branca Brand director's chair, preferably whilst lighting the cigarette of the radient-yet-sullen Argentine brunette who is sitting across from you. Of course, she only stops by momentarily to rest her feet and share a smoke, a fernet and a wry smile before flitting off to join her amigos at the book reading/political rally/orgy happening in her commune at University. This is how I picture Argentina. Please do not correct me if I am wrong.

There are also Fernet ads everywhere. I know this because it is a fact. 

We've seen this one before. It's hella snazzy and sort of romantic in a weird way. But there are more. Oh yes.

 

I think I would understand this one if I smoked pot or went to Burning Man or something. This is like some weird Fernet-meets-David Copperfield shit. Not for me. 

On the other hand:

Sign me up for ^that guy. Clean. Classic. Gorgeous. 

And speaking of gorgeous...

Unico amor is right. Rrrrowr.

Finally, I leave you with this ad. In the grand tradition of my interaction with Argentinian Fernet adverts, I cannot for the life of me figure out what in the fuck is going on here:

It appears to be a bird of some sort. An eagle? A hawk? A raptor? WHAT IS THAT THING!? He is wearing a suit (maybe he has an interview!) and enjoying hisself some Fernets. But he's not just casually drinking a glass of Fernet. No, he appears to be offering someone a hit. Fine, right? But the expression on his... erm.. beak makes it clear that he's not doing it in a friendly "Let's have some bitters and share some stories old chap!" kind of way. No, it's more of a "Oh? You're not interested in finishing this shot? That's fine, just don't mind me while I gently rip out your throat with my talons and regurgitate the pulpy mass of your half-digested larynx to my needy hatchlings" kind of way. 

Most peculiar.

Again, a thousand thanks to Christy for the photographs. May she always travel to places where I can guilt her into providing me with wonderful and easy content. A thousand cheers to Christy! Huzzah!

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Filed Under: Senior BLANK Correspondent, How much are you paying for your Fernet, fernet adverts, Argentina loves them some Fernet, Fernets and their migratory patterns, Christy is hella rad, Fernet Foto File

Branca Menta: Is it the Devil?

Today we look at one of many pictures of Fancy Fernet Adverts taken by our lovely traveling correspondent. But unlike the rest of her handiwork, this is not a picture of something delicious or art deco-y or exciting. Nay, my friends. This is a picture of something that Your Fernetiquette is here to warn you sternly to avoid. That thing is the Emerald Evil known as Branca Menta.

The ad is from Argentina. The Limon is apparently from Peru.

Many* of my American readers are probably thinking to themselves: "Branca Menta? What is this thing that I have never heard of or tried as it is neither hip nor offered in any bar or restaurant ever? I am SO CONFUSED." So for them, allow me to explain: Branca Menta is the Branca distillery's spin off of their wonderful Fernet-Branca.

It's not a good spinoff like A Different World. No, it's the Saved by the Bell: The College Years of Italian bitters. Except eeeevil.

Artist's rendering

I was first exposed to Branca Menta a few years ago when I noticed that the corner store on my block was selling bottles. Intrigued, I shelled out the $26.99 + tax and crv. It looked something like this.

Non-artist's rendering

Now, I (obviously) love me some Fernet. But I also looooove all things mint. Peppermint, spearmint, whatevermint... it doesn't matter, I am in and can't get enough. I take Altoids three at a time. Last year for Christmas, the ladyfriend got me a five pound brick of Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark. This year, my stocking consisted of nothing but mint candies and those adorable wee lil Fernet bottles. True story.

Point is I'm a fan of mint, see.

My favorite way to induce massive stomach cramps

Given my proclivities, I naturally assumed that the Fernet + Mint combo in Branca Menta would be like washing my tongue in pure, uncut awesome. Um... not so. Rather than finding a way to pleasantly accentuate the naturally minty-esque flavor of Fernet Branca, it tastes like they just melted in some cheap green mint chip ice cream and called it a day. Whereas Fernet-Branca is a stark herbacious punch to the palate, Branca Menta is a sickly, filmy, vaguely creamy thing with none of the verve or panache of the original. And I hated it.

I was so disgusted by the stuff that had to pawn the bottle off on a friend who mixed it with some PBR as we watched college football.

Friend not pictured

Still, this stuff is obviously quite popular in Argentina or they wouldn't bother advertising it. Maybe it would go better with cola or lemon-lime soda, but the experience was so hugely disappointing that I figured the only way I'd ever try Branca Menta again would be if I did something monumentally stupid like start a dumb blog about the Branca company's primary product.

So obviously, I've got some work to do. Sigh.

 

Adorable wee lil Branca Menta bottle! Evil can be cute too.

*This is a lie. I do not have many readers.

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Filed under: fernet adverts, Branca Menta is the devil, Those adorable wee lil fernet bottles, MSPaint Skillz, The Argentine Menace, no seriously it's the devil

All Your Updates to Various Things!

A catch-all update on All Things Fernetiquette.

-Ask the Internet and the Internet Responds. 
Last week, I exposed my massive ignorance by asking for help in translating an Argentine advert for Fernet-Branca. Advert in question goes here:

Naturally, lots of my friends speak the Spanish pretty good, though even they could not fully Unravel The Mystery of the Fernet Dog-Walking Advert. Most commenters bemoaned the lack of a bigger version of the image (sorry, no dice), but were able to piece together a rough translation:

The headline says something like "This is the last time I'm fetching it for you" but I'm not sure about the other text.

... 

"The last time I take him out." (I don't have the phrasing quite smoothed out, but that's how I translate it.)
and
"One fewer discussion among (so) many discussions."

 ...

...it says "The last time, I took it/him out" and underneath "One less discussion (out of so many)." But that still isn't very enlightening.

Indeed it is not. What is the connection between, "I took him out last time" and "One less discussion (among so many)"? Maybe the illegible small print would clarify? I'm not sure. It could be a cultural reference or idiom that we're not getting. Still, one brave commenter did advance a few plausible theories:

Fernet means never having to say, "Fine, I'll take the dog out AGAIN, fer chrissakes"?

I quite liked that one but was partial to

"I took the dog out last time, so you do it this time, cos it's high time I had me some Fernet"

Perfect. I'm going with that one.

-And speaking of Argentina...
Our traveling correspondent has returned stateside with just an overwhelming number of sexy Fernet pictures and tall Fernet tales. It will take me some time to wrassle them all into one narrative, but perhaps a small preview is in order.

Sorta romantic, don't you think?

-The same thing happened while trolling for dates to the Prom.
As of yet, my email to the purveyors of Bourbon and Branch has gone un-returned. I've also reached out to a few local and related-by-subject-matter blogs of note and gotten no response. In fact, the Fernetiquette Email Inbox remains entirely barren. le sigh.

But fear not, Gentle Reader! I shall soldier on, undeterred! So, if anyone out there can think of a blog or website I should reach out to, drop me a line and I'll gladly set myself up for future rejection!

-Housekeeping:
Your Fernetiquette is all grownsed up! Now you can get to us by our old dot blogspot url AND our brand-shiny new digs at http://www.fernetiquette.com/. It's like twice the fun, but with exactly the same amount of website! Also, the twitterverse can now follow us on the twitter: @Fernetiquette.

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Filed under: fernet adverts, The Argentine Menace, Updates, You're such a super lady I get so lonely, meta, pretty sure dogs don't drink booze

Fernetiquette asks The Internet for help

Continuing with our recent Argentine theme, I present to you this Fernet advert that for the life of me I cannot figure out.

Confession time: I don't speak Spanish. At all. I was stupid in high school and thought it would be a better idea to try my hand at Français. As you can imagine, this was a bad call. My rudimentary knowledge of sloppy high school French was moderately useful during the week I spent in Quebec 7 years ago but it has not exactly served me well during the ten years I have lived in and around the Mission. Nor does it help me figure out this here advertisement.

For what it's worth, the Babelfish translation of the headline is spectacularly unhelpful:

I to it complete time removes

You don't say.

I also ran it by a friend who said she spoke "Very, very awkward" Spanish and she had some theories, but I wanted to test them against The Theories of The Internet. A translation would be helpful, but any insight as to what Fernet has to do with walking your dog would be ideal. So... help? Please and thank you.

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Filed under: Fernet adverts, a normal person might have taken a class or something by now, pretty sure dogs don't drink booze, Argentina loves them some Fernet

Something about these ads speaks to me

...even though I can't exactly make out what they're saying.

One for Branca...

One for Cinzano...


I dunno. Can't quite put my finger on it, but whatever it is I can relate.

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Filed under: Fernet adverts, Fernet on the Tubes, Fernet Non-Branca, le sigh

Yes please, ma'am. I'll take two.

A couple of adverts from the "Shockingly Unique" campaign to share today. First this one:

Larger version available here 

And then this one, which I actually prefer even though the scan is bad:

I can't say exactly what's so "Shockingly Unique" about the young lady in ad #2, but I'm not complaining. The ads are stylish, sexy and visually interesting. Consider my appetite whetted.

The text in both is as follows:

Fernet-Branca is like nothing you've ever tasted. [Not so sure I agree with you 100% on your policework there, Fernet Ad guy - Ed] It's strong, aggressive and not for the easily intimidated; but the closely guarded secret recipe rewards the adventurous with a bold taste, and leaves you feeling revitalized and alive. Try a shot of Fernet-Branca and you'll experience over 40 herbs picked in four continents that give it a natural and unique flavor.

I find it interesting that both ads recommend trying "a shot" of Fernet, yet both feature a glass of Fernet and cola next to the bottle (though Sailor Moon Lady above admirably isn't bothering with any of that fey mixer stuff). In my anecdotal experience, most San Franciscans take their medicine straight up. Fernet and cola (or "Fernet con coca" more accurately) is more of an Argentinian thing.

Also peep the return of the alligator in ad #1. As we all have learned, the Branca family had used gators for years in their advertisements because they were famous for their digestive abilities.

So everything old is new again. Just, you know... sluttier.

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Filed under: fernet adverts, Shockingly Unique, Fernet True Facts, Fernet and Cola, Drink it like a man you pansies

"...Fernet means never having to say you're sorry."

Oh, SF Appeal. Just when I think I'm out, you pull me back in.

Fernet love stories are like the Aesop's Fables of San Francisco. For example: One time a couple was bickering in a bar. What they were arguing about is irrelevant, suffice it to say it looked like the fight would never end. Finally, one of them looked the other straight in the eye and said, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you Fernet," and their jaws dropped like they had just heard that the SF Weekly had made up with The Guardian. It was clear that the fight was over, and they would be together for a long time, because every San Franciscan knows that Fernet means never having to say you're sorry.

I'll forgive the eye-roll-inducing reference to a local print "journalism" rivalry that I'm sure 99.6% of San Franciscans don't know or care about, because that last line is pure literary genius. That's the sort of linguistic pyrotechnics that I'd expect from Cormac McCarthy or Chabon or the dude who writes Clatter, but never from the online styrofoam that is SF Appeal. Nay, that last phrase is gorgeous. A work of art. I'm thinking of getting it tattooed on my throat, y/n?

The article also uses my favorite Fernet advert as the article's picture.

Lookit that guy! He's so happy! It's like all he's ever wanted out of life is to squeeze the shit out of that Fernet bottle and dress like an old drag queen. And now his life's goals are fulfilled. It warms the cockles.

The last two paragraphs of the piece, on the other hand, I could do without:

San Franciscans like to travel, and will often try to order Fernet at bars in places like Eugene Oregon. San Franciscans aren't idiots, they know as well as anyone that people in Oregon only drink microbrews, but they use this as a way to test the bartender. 

If the bartender stares blankly and offers them Jager he/she has failed, but if the bartender looks at the San Franciscan with a wry smile and says, "You must be from San Francisco," then that bartender has totally passed, and is going to get a personal invitation to stay with this San Franciscan the next time he/she travels south.

I don't like this if only because it presages a feature of this here website, which just makes me look like I stole the whole idea, which is both totally preposterous and very probably true. Either way: NOT A FAN.

Something is clever in the state of Denmark

click to embiggen

Heaven will direct it to my tummy.

This here website says this ad is Danish, and if it's on the internet it must be true. The "Life is Bitter" tagline is wonderful. Odds of me stealing that in the future: 127%.

Let's give this thing a whirl now, shall we?

Um, hi.